Thursday, May 5, 2011

Something to cry about... Mother's Day

Mother's Day is just a few short days away, and while I am a mother, I have no real mother myself. The woman who gave birth to me 31 years ago come June 25th, died three years ago from Cancer. The woman I called "Mom" until I looked at our relationship 6 months ago, has no contact with me. I have no mother. But I grew up without one despite having two. My birth mother was never a true mother to me. I was the unwanted product of a rape. The woman I called mom, well she really only did it out of a sense of duty to my birth mother.

I was reading my brother's blog and he talks about the sadness of the day my birth mother died. Both he and my sisters were there. Supposedly when she died three years ago, they all became orphans? I didn't know that even if you're an adult you could become an orphan. I'm 31 in June and I am the baby of the family. I grew up as an O.W.P. (Orphan with Parents) because neither of my parents were really there for me. I always defended the way I was raised thinking that there was nothing wrong with it, but when I look back on the things that happened to me and how my parents dealt with it, I realized they weren't my parents. I was an orphan thrust upon them, a burden that had to be shouldered.

When my brother molested me at age 11 and my father and sister Candida caught him, he was not punished... I was. It was my fault because I was too girly still playing with dolls and playing dress up in front of him. Two short years later he raped me while my mother slept in the other room. I told no-one because of the fact that it would have done me no good, no one would believe me because I was the "troublemaker" because I wouldn't conform to their ideology of how life really was. It took me years to find my voice, and when I did, I never shut up about it. After my son was born, my parents (who I was living with at the time) announced that my brother would be coming to live with us, and I started having a panic attack because I didn't want him anywhere near my infant son. I went into protective mode and I told my family what he had done to me. My mother was shocked, and until the day she died she still denied it was true... same with my father. I was gone less than a month after my brother moved in because I was protecting my child from a convicted child-molester who wouldn't register with the state let alone tell his parole officer there were children in the house in which he was residing.

I am the black sheep of the family because I won't give up everything for my siblings. They always want money, or something from me and up until I was 22 I was all too willing to give in. But, if ever I should need anything... uh no, because we can't help you. We make it a point not to help anyone financially, or loan money or anything like that because then it becomes habit. Yeah I'll remember that the next time you need your rent paid, or someone to take in your kids because you were found to be an unfit mother. I raised several of my sister's kids until they were taken out of her custody. I don't know if my niece's and nephew remember my screaming and pleading to the police to let me keep them... I was only 15, but they were my babies, not my sister's. If I had owned my own home at 18 I would have adopted all of my sister's kids and kept her completely out of their lives.

This is the first Mother's Day I have had that I won't have anyone to call and say "Happy Mother's Day" to, and that's alright with me because I have two beautiful children who will wake me up early that morning by climbing into bed with me, give me their precious homemade gifts, and wish me a Happy Mother's Day before turning on Spongebob Sqaurepants and ignoring me for the rest of the day. :D I'll tell you this, it's not depressing, it's refreshing, because I know my children love me, I don't go one day without telling them how much I love them. I also let them know that they are my greatest Mother's Day gift, because without them, I wouldn't be the Mom I am.

So, to those of youwho are truly Mothers, and to those of you who have taken on the great joy of raising your niece's/nephews grandchildren or even adopted or foster children, Happy Mother's Day. May you treasure those homemade gifts made with love and admiration for the woman/mother you truly are.

1 comment:

  1. This year Mothers day was a celebration of freedom. Maybe you like to read about it here

    I am glad that you have kids - I even didnt dare having one on my own. Much love