Saturday, November 14, 2009

Missing my Dad

Tomorrow marks the 6 year anniversary of my dad's death. It's hard to think about him because it depresses me. He never got to know his granddaughter, and really, not even his grandson. I mean he met his grandson and loved the little baby boy he was, but he didn't get to know the little toddler, who turned into a sweet little boy, who looks at his pictures and asks about him all the time.

Dad and Little V
In this picture, they had the exact same amount of teeth in their heads... lol. My dad did the best he could I guess. He probably figured that I was ok, cause I never needed him, which is why he focused so hard on the siblings who had issues. Damn, they were serious ones too, but he took it upon himself to fix, and what he didn't realize is that he had other family needing him just as much. What he really didn't get was that you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.
My brother and sister, who are his namesake, are fucked up beyond all belief, and they like it that way. It makes people feel sorry for them, and they can get people to do whatever they want them to do because they feel sorry for them. They don't know what real responsibility and real life really is all about. They live in la-la land and they like it there.
I live in the real world, lived there all my life, trying so hard to be seen by my folks, to be wanted by my folks, doing anything to make them happy, even at the cost of a good relationship, and still, they only saw those who needed fixing. I guess that's why in my youth I was reckless, hoping they would see me, and see that I needed them to love me, but all that did was get them to tell me how I needed to be more like so & so... yeah right, I need to be like them like I need another hole in my head.
I don't know if I'll ever make peace with them, they're both gone now. I just know I can't be like them. I can't choose one child over another. They both need me, so I make sure I am there for both of them. I hope that my kids know how lucky they are to have me for a mom and Scott for a dad, we love them both so very much. Both of us come from broken homes, so we're making sure they never have to experience the same things we did. That's what makes him so perfect for me, we get each other, and we understand what it's like to not be wanted by your family. We love each other, and we love our kids. That's what a family should be.
I miss you daddy, I always will.
V and T July 2009