Wednesday, October 26, 2011

School is going great and I am learning things about ...

...psychological disorders and I realized something most profound this week. It's not my fault. My family's behavior, they're "poor me I'm a victim attitude" is their chemical imbalance in their brain.

My brother suffered from ADHD as a child, and that is OFTEN diagnosed along ODD which is Oppositional Defiant Disorder, which progresses in the teen years into CD or Conduct Disorder. CD then progresses into ASPD also known as Anti-Social Personality Disorder. You can find all sorts of videos on YouTube on both ASPD and ODD. And people who suffer from this often blame others for their problems. "It's not my fault, it was my mom's fault I stole the car she made me mad..." this was said by a 7 year old whole his grandmothers car and wrecked it and five other cards along with it.

My brother at a young age would act out violently and blame others for his behavior. Even as an adult he's not to blame for his illness (he claims he's HIV Positive for the last 14 years but he supposedly was only diagnosed a couple years ago according to my sister, but she's a "recovering" addict and also doesn't believe her choices should have consequences and that she can't be held responsible for her actions) it's the fault of his boyfriend who "didn't" inform him he had the disease. I remember this man, his name was Matty. I also remember seeing the bruises on Matty's face after a terrible fight with my brother. Matty blamed himself and he worried about my brother because my brother REFUSED to protect himself when they had sex. Matty informed my brother that he was HIV positive and my brother acted like it was no big deal. My brother wouldn't let Matty wear protection either, and if he tried to fight my brother on the issue my brother would hit him. My brother must suffer from severe ASPD and the only way to help him is for him to be in prison, or so the research shows.

My sisters are the same way, always blaming others for their misfortune. One sister goes even further to exploit her friends and readers of her blog by telling them I'm the crazy one. Everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie and I'm a sociopath. I must be a very terrible one because I have a sense of morality that won't allow me to take advantage of people's good nature like they do. If I was a sociopath I would be able to manipulate what I wanted out of people without remorse or guilt, but I hate even asking for help. The only reason I do is for my kids.

I do have my own issues though. I'm not perfect nor am I claiming to be. I just realised that I may suffer from ADHD. I did an indepth research project on the subject and found that every symptom listed in DSM-IV (save for one) I could mark and emphatic yes on.

Anyhow I have come to the conclusion that I have done right by myself by cutting my sisters and brother out of my life. Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


My daughter finally had her tonsils taken out. # years of fighting with dr's telling them there was something wrong with her tonsils because they were swollen and them telling me I'm WRONG that her tonsils were normal. The last time she was sick I took her to see her doctor and told him she was constantly sick. He asked one question, "does she snore?" Like a mack truck rumblin down the street with a flat tire. He said her adenoids and tonsils needed to come out. Referred her to a ENT specialist he took one look at her tonsils and said they need to come out. Made an appointment for her. She had it yesterday. She came through like a champ. The doctor came out after he was done (20 minutes later) and said her tonsils and adenoids were HUGE!!! Hmmmm Seems like once again I was right. I've come to the conclusion the Doctors don't really care about their patients unless they have lots of cash or private insurance. I have medic-aid for my kids and no one wanted to help them. Their new doctor totally is awesome. Anyhow, she pulled through just fine she's not feeling tooo horrible (her throat hurts but she's got energy up the wazoo) trying to eat whatever she can but having a hard time swallowing the soft foods she is allowed. She's such a trooper.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


I have finished the spring quarter with a B in Biology and a C in Math. I took an Incomplete in English to finish two essays. I should get an A once those are done. I had great teachers this quarter and am hoping for the same this quarter. I had to drop a class as I need the money to fix my car and pay rent. :( oh well I only dropped a Math class and I am still on track for the end of next summer. That's the important part there. I will by this summer have completed my req's for a world language with ASL 121 and 122 and have Psych 100 under my belt along with 30 credits. I am beyond excited.

Friday, May 27, 2011

My long term goals

I am doing well. Actually better than that, I am very blessed. I have family who loves me (Carol, David, Katrina, Vincent, Taryn, and Scott) friends who give moral support and encouragement from miles and miles away (the Yaya's and all my FB buddies) and I am in school working on my degree. I had a negative nelly tell me I couldn't overload my credits for the summer... guess what? I got my extra class. Now they're saying that I won't pass it because the teacher is a jack who just gives you the work and doesn't help you with it... guess what, I will not only pass the class, I'll ace it, and do you know why? Because I hate it when people tell me I can't. My family always told me I can't do this or I can't do that, and for years I listened, I believed that when they said I wasn't smart enough, or pretty enough, or good enough. Well I don't listen any more. I believe in myself and my abilities. I am smart enough, I am good enough, and dammit I am pretty. I may not be movie star gorgeous, but I look good when I put the effort forth to do more than just brush my hair. Anyhow, I plan on being done with over two years of pre-req's by the end of next summer. I'm on track with that so far which is good for me. I am blessed and I say thank you to all who have been there for me and made me realise just how good I really am.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Dream board

My sister Carol asked me what is on my dream board today. Today it is to complete my pre-reqs so that I will get accepted into the Nursing program at my school. I also dream of one day being able to speak four other languages (at least) two of which I will take classes for in the next year, Spanish and ASL (American Sign Language).

For all too long I have made this blog about me

but so what, it's my blog. Now you know all about me and my life growing up... well not all, but certainly a lot more than anyone else in this crazy world will tell ya. A little more about me. I am 30 goin on 31. I've spent much of my life being told I was no good and never would be by my family. what am I doing today? I'm at school, an actual accredited college (community college is still college) working on my pre-requisites to get into the ADN to BSN transfer program to UW. For those that don't know what that means and ADN is an Associates Degree in Nursing and a BSN is a Bachelors of Science Nursing degree. I don't associate with my biological family anymore because they just can't face the truth of their crimes and like to tell the world they are actually the victims and I'm an insane Sociopath. But is anyone ever truly sane? My sweet niece asked me that the other day, and you know she is absolutely right. So as of Now I have decided to go my own way. I can say I never lived off of my mom and dad, my sibs can't, I can say i was never an addict, my sibs can't, and I can say that I am not a bad parent, my sibs can't, they will, but they'd be lying. What mother or father lets their children live in squalor when they can change it? What mother leaves her kids with her cancer riddled mother for weeks on end just so she can go out and get high without judgement? My two sisters did that. I on the other hand work full-time, go to school full-time and love my children enough to work on getting a degree that will get me out of being homeless and into a great and rewarding career. My sister has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and like the other two sibs in my family who were diagnosed with a mental disease CLAIMS she doesn't need medication... lol. She also claims she can open a childcare center in her home even though she has been diagnosed with BPD... who in their right mind would have given her a liscense? Now I know she's full of shit and I should have known it from the get go when she started talking out her ass, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she proved to me what a sucker I can be. Arrgghgh, ok, enough about her... i guess I'm still mad about how she lies about me on her blog, butI need to get over it. I wrote about it in the blog before this and it made me feel better. I wrote without anger and without being beligerent. I am good. I am calm, I am happy and I am very proud of myself for going on this path to school to have a career. Anyhow Just a note to let you all know that I will be updating this blog with more posts on my and my studies and my kids from now on. The sibs might psycho stalk me and write crap about me on my blogs, but I know the truth and that is they're just jealous of the fact that I'm not a loser like they are.

For those (my idiot sister) who tell the world I am lying

No one is listening to a self-preserving addict. You ex-boyfriend Ronnie tried to molest me while you were drinking and getting high, so you made me play a drinking game with beer called "one red-hen" until I was drunk enough to look like I didn't know what I was talking about. You didn't want to get in trouble with James, our older brother who had legal custody of me at the time. Larry Molested me when I was 11, dad and Candida caught him and I got in trouble for it, which is why when he raped me at 13 I never told anyone, because I thought it was my fault he did it. As for being a victim of rape, if you were a victim of it, I am sorry to hear that. It wasn't your fault. You're right crack whore was the wrong word, meth-head, pot smoker, coke-snorter are much more appropriate as I watched you with my own damn eyes do all of that with your ex- and your old high school buddy Bambi. If you don't think sleeping around with every guy in a two-block radius while claiming love the one right next-door (Kyle) make you a whore, then ok, you're not a whore.

As for thinking I am a real catch, obviously someone does think that of me... My fiance. He's the only one who matters. I don't falsely claim shit just to look like a victim, I am a victim who refuses to be a victim anymore by staying quiet about what happened to me and you and Candida and Larry are still trying to torment me in anyway you can to make yourselves look better, and you are PISSED that I won't let you, that I REFUSE to be quiet about ALL the skeletons in YOUR closets. So in reading your last post I would take that to mean that WES doesn't know the truth about your brother being a CONVICTED child molester. That you and everyone else have told him that Larry was FALSELY accused... so sad you lie to your own man about it. maybe you should learn the definition of HONESTY... go get a dictionary out and look it up.

As for your beloved auntie not cheating on her husband ask her who Bubba is? I saw the emails and heard the disgusting phone calls between them, and the real reason we left her house was because I was able to find somewhere else to live. As for owing her money, she's saying that to save face. She believed I was the one person she could trust with the information on her affair, but she just sickens me. uncle Kenny treats her like a queen when he needs to kick her sorry ass to the curb. She wasn't a real mom, if she was David would never have turned out the way he did.

Yeah you and your other brother and sister get along, cause you are all fucked up in the head. Not a one of you truly know what life is about. You lived with mom and dad till the day they died and you went looking for other people to glom on to when you realized how hard life really is. Suzie you leached onto Wes because you can't be without a man, Candida gloms onto you because she can't do it to me, and Larry does the same cause he already tried and failed with Candida according to our phone conversations. here is what I find hilarious though. When you are supposed to be getting "clean" you were still feeding your addiction, how else would you have gotten pregnant twice during that first year you were getting clean? Isn't the first thing they tell you as an addict who's trying to get clean is to stay out of a relationship even sexual as your head isn't cleared enough from the drugs to handle one? Hmmmm, me thinks she failed from the get go.

As for me writing Aunt Liz off, it was more of a result of looking at our relationship over the years. She never called me, I always had to call her. She couldn't remember my birthday (and she let me call her mom, wouldn't a mother remember her daughter's birthday?) let alone my kids' birthdays and she allowed me to let them call her Grandma, but she sure could remember Nicoli's birthday. The reason she gave us a month is because we were interrupting her phone sex time with her married boyfriend in another state. Did you know she seriously thought of leaving Uncle Kenny for this man... then she realized he had no money to let her mooch off of him the way she can mooch off of Uncle Kenny.

Let's see, why did I leave California.... hmmmmm? Well unfortunately the place we moved was not a good place to move into, just cheap. I'd tell you what happened but you would say I am making it all up because I am a sociopath. Do you know what a Sociopath is? Apparently not because you are just very uneducated. A sociopath is a person who has a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience. I am not a sociopath. I have normal friends who care about me so I am not anti-social, I am in no way psychopathic, although you and Larry and Candida piss me off almost to the point of it, And if I lacked a sense of moral responsibility I'd be in jail or would have spent some time there like you and you brother Larry. I also don't lack for a social conscience, if I did, I wouldn't be working on my NURSING degree to HELP PEOPLE who suffer from disease. As for blackmailing you, well you need another course in how to define the word. You do not know what you are talking about because you are an idiot. This is from Wikipedia, it's the definition of blackmail:

In common usage, blackmail is a crime involving threats to reveal substantially true and/or false information about a person to the public, a family member, or associates unless a demand is met.[1][2] It may be defined as coercion involving threats of physical harm, threat of criminal prosecution, or threats for the purposes of taking the person's money or property.[1][3][4][5][6][7][8] It is the name of a statutory offence in the United States, England and Wales, Northern Ireland, and Victoria, and has been used as a convenient way of referring to other offenses, but was not a term of art in English law before 1968. It originally denoted a payment made by English persons residing along the border of Scotland to influential Scottish chieftains in exchange for protection from thieves and marauders.[3][4]

Blackmail may also be considered a form of extortion.[1] Although the two are generally synonymous, extortion is the taking of personal property by threat of future harm.[9] It is the use of threats to prevent another from engaging in a lawful occupation and writing libelous letters or letters that tend to provoke a breach of the peace, as well as use of intimidation for purposes of collecting an unpaid debt.[4] Some US states distinguish the offenses by requiring that blackmail be in writing.

I never threatened you or held anything of yours in exchange for being financially paid off. I simply asked for your help as you and your sister, and Larry always did of me whenever I had money. Because as darling daddy always said, Family will always be there for you when you need them most. What a liar he turned out to be. Maybe your readers should hear the truth about you, and if they want to hear it, all they have to do is read my blog. I don't backpedal shit, I put the truth out there, it's my therapy, it's how I move on from your guys' bullshit and the things you did to me in my life. You don't want to hear it because you are an addict who is still ashamed of what she did and you don't want people to know just how bad you really were when you were high, drunk and just plain stupid.

I gave you one too many chances apparently, and for someone who supposedly is a follower of God, you sure have a funny way of acting as one. You never made amends with me, so for you to be on step 9 for the rest of your life should be fun for you. making amends with me would not injure me or others at all. As for not being apart of your life, it's no big thing to me. I have REAL family that loves me and cares about me enough to be there emotionally for me and support me in all my endeavours that I don't need you, Candida or Larry. Part of my fucked up childhood included being tormented emotionally and financially by you three and I won't put my kids through that. They don't need the toxins you three put out into the universe in their lives.

Good luck finishing your program... step 9 is a good step to be stuck on and if you tell your friends you finished it, I'll put ads out in all the newspapers in the entire state of Kansas telling them how you never made amends with me and prove just what a liar you really are.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Life is funny

So the world was supposed to end yesterday at 6pm... seeing as we are all still here today, I don't think that horrible prediction came true. the guy who made this prediction, made it years before too. And when they day came and went last time, he said he got his math wrong. I feel sorry for the idiots who bought into his crap and gave him all their worldly goods (especially money) because he did this just to make money. he is not a "prophet" and those that believe in him as one should get their money taken from them.

Side note... My "sister" stopped following my blog and removed me as one of her followers, she probably also blocked me from being able to see any posts as well cause whatever she is spewing is crap anyways. For someone supposedly trying to get clean she sure does act like an addict who doesn't want to hear the truth about herself or her family because that would make her a bad person... well she is a bad person, and a bad mother, I know how she is raising my nieces now and it is awful. She is more worried about herself and how everyone sees her and her family that she is basically acting like a frickin prison guard and treating her home like a prison. I blame her boyfriend for this, but hey who am I to lay blame? My sister has always been attracted to the worng kind of guy and he's probably just another asshole like the one she was with for so long that tried to rape me when I was twelve... but HE was her "true love" and she didn't want to lose him... idiot.

My other "sister" is just plain crazy so we won't talk about her, besides that I love my niece to much to say shit about her right now.

I have true sisters though, and they have always been there for me through thick and thin. They also send words of encouragement and truly care about me and my family and we're not even related by blood. That's what makes life so funny, you go through the first part of your life believing in your blood family and they turn out to be complete shits. Then one day when you least expect a group of people, or even just one person here and there, come into your life and take you into their arms and call you sister, daughter, and friend, and they treat you how you've always been told family would and that's when you realize that sometimes God makes mistakes, but in the end, he always fixes them and puts things right.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

"family" that is all

I was responding to a status update my niece posted on her facebook page about wrapping herself in a positive bubble to achieve her dreams. My idiot sister, her mom, posted on there how I was screwed up and everyone says I need mental help including the woman who "tried" to treat me as her daughter. This is the same woman who is mentally unbalanced (as are most in my family) and yea I might need therapy to get through the crap my family did to me my whole life, but I am in no way as mentally fucked up as my siblings are. I thank God everyday for the fact that I am not an idiot, or a crack whore, or bi-polar, and anything else that is wrong with my siblings. I only hope that my niece's and nephews find a way out of there without being screwed up by their parents. I feel sorry for my niece's and nephew's who are still stuck with crazy, psychotic people for parents and If I could do it, I'd have them taken from their parents and placed in a home like my older niece was, loving caring and with people who are able to PROPERLY care for them and aren't psychotic.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Something to cry about... Mother's Day

Mother's Day is just a few short days away, and while I am a mother, I have no real mother myself. The woman who gave birth to me 31 years ago come June 25th, died three years ago from Cancer. The woman I called "Mom" until I looked at our relationship 6 months ago, has no contact with me. I have no mother. But I grew up without one despite having two. My birth mother was never a true mother to me. I was the unwanted product of a rape. The woman I called mom, well she really only did it out of a sense of duty to my birth mother.

I was reading my brother's blog and he talks about the sadness of the day my birth mother died. Both he and my sisters were there. Supposedly when she died three years ago, they all became orphans? I didn't know that even if you're an adult you could become an orphan. I'm 31 in June and I am the baby of the family. I grew up as an O.W.P. (Orphan with Parents) because neither of my parents were really there for me. I always defended the way I was raised thinking that there was nothing wrong with it, but when I look back on the things that happened to me and how my parents dealt with it, I realized they weren't my parents. I was an orphan thrust upon them, a burden that had to be shouldered.

When my brother molested me at age 11 and my father and sister Candida caught him, he was not punished... I was. It was my fault because I was too girly still playing with dolls and playing dress up in front of him. Two short years later he raped me while my mother slept in the other room. I told no-one because of the fact that it would have done me no good, no one would believe me because I was the "troublemaker" because I wouldn't conform to their ideology of how life really was. It took me years to find my voice, and when I did, I never shut up about it. After my son was born, my parents (who I was living with at the time) announced that my brother would be coming to live with us, and I started having a panic attack because I didn't want him anywhere near my infant son. I went into protective mode and I told my family what he had done to me. My mother was shocked, and until the day she died she still denied it was true... same with my father. I was gone less than a month after my brother moved in because I was protecting my child from a convicted child-molester who wouldn't register with the state let alone tell his parole officer there were children in the house in which he was residing.

I am the black sheep of the family because I won't give up everything for my siblings. They always want money, or something from me and up until I was 22 I was all too willing to give in. But, if ever I should need anything... uh no, because we can't help you. We make it a point not to help anyone financially, or loan money or anything like that because then it becomes habit. Yeah I'll remember that the next time you need your rent paid, or someone to take in your kids because you were found to be an unfit mother. I raised several of my sister's kids until they were taken out of her custody. I don't know if my niece's and nephew remember my screaming and pleading to the police to let me keep them... I was only 15, but they were my babies, not my sister's. If I had owned my own home at 18 I would have adopted all of my sister's kids and kept her completely out of their lives.

This is the first Mother's Day I have had that I won't have anyone to call and say "Happy Mother's Day" to, and that's alright with me because I have two beautiful children who will wake me up early that morning by climbing into bed with me, give me their precious homemade gifts, and wish me a Happy Mother's Day before turning on Spongebob Sqaurepants and ignoring me for the rest of the day. :D I'll tell you this, it's not depressing, it's refreshing, because I know my children love me, I don't go one day without telling them how much I love them. I also let them know that they are my greatest Mother's Day gift, because without them, I wouldn't be the Mom I am.

So, to those of youwho are truly Mothers, and to those of you who have taken on the great joy of raising your niece's/nephews grandchildren or even adopted or foster children, Happy Mother's Day. May you treasure those homemade gifts made with love and admiration for the woman/mother you truly are.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Family Ties are much too constricting

A couple weeks ago, my biological sister wrote about finding a hickie on her 16 year old's neck. She was panicking about what she should do. should she have "the talk" with her, should she get her started on birth control, or should she ignore it. I was completely honest in my opinion and told her is she hadn't had the talk with her yet, she'd better get it done, and that yes she should have her on birth control, especially since she posts some curious thoughts on her facebook page.

Well, apparently she didn't like the blunt honesty I gave her, or she doesn't care enough about her daughter to protect her (which she should have been doing all along anyways) either way, she never posted the comment, she removed me from her facebook page, had her daughter un-friend me, and then proceeded to write a snide comment about me on her next blog. The following is a direct quote:

"this is my place a place where i feel safe and yet there are those who care just enough about me to only be nosy. do i let them in, do i block them as followers. i don't believe in censorship. this is my blog. my place and i can delete any comment even if it comes from a family member."

I actually had stopped all relationships with said sister when she stole over $1500 from me to move back to KS because I refused to allow her to do drugs in my home around not only my infant son but her young daughter. My biological sister is in recovery for her addiction, but she has yet to make amends with me for her actions that caused me to lose my home all because I wouldn't let her do drugs. But, I gave her yet another chance to try to be a sister after my so-called mother died. you know what? Screw her and her recovery. I am the one person who will not let her make amends.

I spent years trying to get my family to care about me, and it was beyond obvious not a damn one of them did. The truth is, my mother told me on my 15th birthday she wished she had an abortion with me. She tried to give me up for adoption, but my father refused to sign the papers. And my "be-loved" aunt and oldest brother both informed me that I was the product of my father raping my mother. My brother's and sister's were always jealous that I got whatever I wanted (in worldly goods) when I asked for it, but do they know it took my mother dying of cancer after having a grand-mal seizure to tell me I love you for the first time in my entire LIFE?!?! I was 27 years old before she uttered those words, and you know what, too little too fucking late. She was making her amends before she died and had to stand in judgement before her maker and explain why her youngest child spent her life never knowing her mother's love.

My "sister" will never complete her program because she will never have made amends with me. She deserves all that she gets in life and I hope that her children may one day learn from her mistakes. But in the case of her oldest (who is heading down the same path) it looks as though she'll follow along in her mother's footsteps.

My "sister" also begged me to keep quiet about the fact that her oldest daughter's father tried to rape me at the age of 12, because had I told my Oldest brother (who was in the Navy at the time) he would have killed her true love. And then she proceeded to get me drunk so that she could say I was making it all up in my head. Yet another thing she never made amends for. And guess what? Her "true" love ended up beating her on a regular basis till she had to run away from him. He's also the reason she's a fucking addict.

As for my other siblings, let's see my other brother (not the navy one) raped me at age 13, while my mother slept in the next room. but he's manic-depressive... oh wait i meant bi-polar.... ooops nope now it's manic depressive again. He was also convicted of child molestation at the age of 16. Supposed to be registering as a sex-offender and is not allowed around children, but guess what, he's around my drug addict sister two little ones all the time. Does her hubby know this?

My other sister should be on medication cause she's all fucked up in the head too. She also has seven children from five different father's. and she lies to the first two saying they have the same dad. It's sad really. She thinks nobody sees what a slut she was, but it's not true. and she illegally has custody of one because she moved out of the state of California, married her husband in Nevada and moved to KS so she wouldn't have to pretend to the state of California to not illegally be living with her son. She lost custody of her kids because she was a slob, and unfit mother, and fucked up in the head. Her youngest daughter was put in a full body cast at the age of 5 months by her biological father (my sister's first husband) and they tried to blame it on me. If it wasn't for the fact that I was at work and had the proof of that I would have gone to jail. This sister also owes me money which I will never see. When her first husband got deported to mexico she ran up my phone bill every month to 300- 600 dollars. she never paid her half of the rent that she was supposed to pay for 7 months at $700 a month (half of our rent) that's $4900 she owed in rent alone. She never cleaned up after herself so when my boyfriend and I moved out of the apartment he had to pay $2900 in damages to room she and her family lived in.

The people I consider family aren't even blood related. I am also homeless, and I have people who don't even know me who have given help to my family hand over fist when my own "family" won't do anything to help me. My father always told me that my family would always be there for me while I was growing up, that's why whenever they asked for my help I should give it to them, because one day I would need them and they would return the favour. To date my sister Suzie owes $1450 (she sent me $50 last year to help me out) my sister candy owes me well over $10,000 (she and my brother used to ask me for rent money every two weeks after my parents moved to Kansas), my brother Larry owes me my virginity, innocence, and around $10,000 for when he emptied our joint checking account when I was 18 and saving up for a car, and he ran off to LA and was out of work. He "claims" it was his money, but it wasn't. He stole my ID and gave it to one of his girlfriends to close out our account with my money in it. Trust me I've learned my lesson.

I can count on one hand the number of times my "family" has helped me out, I would need a calculator to add up all the strangers, friends, co-workers, even bosses who have been there for me in my time of need. To those of you who have no blood/DNA connection to me who have been there for me and continue to give me your moral support I thank you. To you leeches who screwed me over time and time again and have the audacity to call yourselves my "family" fuck off. Don't call me, don't email me, don't even think about me. We're finally done with one another... I am done with you so I don't care if you're done with me. You are all just a waste of the oxygen on our planet.