Saturday, November 14, 2009

Missing my Dad

Tomorrow marks the 6 year anniversary of my dad's death. It's hard to think about him because it depresses me. He never got to know his granddaughter, and really, not even his grandson. I mean he met his grandson and loved the little baby boy he was, but he didn't get to know the little toddler, who turned into a sweet little boy, who looks at his pictures and asks about him all the time.

Dad and Little V
In this picture, they had the exact same amount of teeth in their heads... lol. My dad did the best he could I guess. He probably figured that I was ok, cause I never needed him, which is why he focused so hard on the siblings who had issues. Damn, they were serious ones too, but he took it upon himself to fix, and what he didn't realize is that he had other family needing him just as much. What he really didn't get was that you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.
My brother and sister, who are his namesake, are fucked up beyond all belief, and they like it that way. It makes people feel sorry for them, and they can get people to do whatever they want them to do because they feel sorry for them. They don't know what real responsibility and real life really is all about. They live in la-la land and they like it there.
I live in the real world, lived there all my life, trying so hard to be seen by my folks, to be wanted by my folks, doing anything to make them happy, even at the cost of a good relationship, and still, they only saw those who needed fixing. I guess that's why in my youth I was reckless, hoping they would see me, and see that I needed them to love me, but all that did was get them to tell me how I needed to be more like so & so... yeah right, I need to be like them like I need another hole in my head.
I don't know if I'll ever make peace with them, they're both gone now. I just know I can't be like them. I can't choose one child over another. They both need me, so I make sure I am there for both of them. I hope that my kids know how lucky they are to have me for a mom and Scott for a dad, we love them both so very much. Both of us come from broken homes, so we're making sure they never have to experience the same things we did. That's what makes him so perfect for me, we get each other, and we understand what it's like to not be wanted by your family. We love each other, and we love our kids. That's what a family should be.
I miss you daddy, I always will.
V and T July 2009

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween II

We're Back from Trick or Treating. 2 hours and 10lbs of candy later. We're back. We had a blast. The kids are getting ready for bed. Here are the pics I promised.

This is T as a Punk Rock Princess.

V as a Dead B-Ball Player.

I told you they looked awesome. I did the makeup myself, and they used their own clothes for costumes.

Happy Halloween

Today is one of my favorite times of the year. I love dressing my kids up to take them trick or treating. I'm going to try and get my camera to work again (took it to the beach and the kids got sand all over it... LOL. Sorry Momma Liz. I've gotta clean it out cause the kids' costumes are gonna be awesome yet again this year. Last year they were little cuties, T was Sleeping Beauty, and V was a dead guy who got run over. The year before they were T as the Wicked Witch Of the East before the house fell on her, and V was Black Suited Spiderman. Before that, T was a Witch and V was Spiderman. This year T will be a Punk Rock Princess, and V will be a dead Basketball player. Pictures will be posted later today. Stay tuned!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Remembering what I chose to forget

With the upcoming 6 year anniversary of my father's passing, something in me told me to google my mother's name, and I ran across my sister's recovery page, then her blog.

My sister is a recovering drug and alcohol addict. There are things she did to me during that period that I have not been able to forgive her for, because I have always been hurt by the fact that my parents favored her and my other siblings over me. I know that they don't see it that way, to them I was the spoiled baby of the family. My parents gave me a lot of material things, and I know that made my siblings jealous of me.

My siblings will deny being the favorites if given the opportunity, but they never saw what I saw. They had my parents love so completely, that I never felt there was any left for me. My parents were always there for them, till the day each one passed away. My brothers and sisters heard "I love you" from them more than I ever did. In fact, my mother only ever said those words to me twice in my entire lifetime, when my daughter was born July 16th 2004, and after my mother had her seizure, that was when my aunt guilt tripped me into calling her.

Mom and dad always took care of the other kids, and I was always jealous of them growing up. They had the one thing I craved, and I didn't know how to go about getting it. But they also had problems, and I never really did. I guess you could say I was the lucky one. I just didn't see it then.

After my father passed, I wrote my family off. There was too much hurt and anger. At his funeral we sat in the front row, me right near the isle, My mother, brother J.R., and sister Sue three feet away from me in the same pew, and my other sister Candy, her son Steve, and my grandmother in the other pew. I was hurt, and crying, and not one of them tried to comfort me. In fact, the kindest person to me at the funeral home that day, was the preacher, who handed me his handkerchief to dry my tears with. My brother called me an ugly name when I stood up to speak, probably because he didn't like hearing what I had to say. But he doesn't understand that I had to say it because it was eating me up inside.

Like an addict I hung on to the hurt, the anger, the jealousy, because it was all I had my whole life. It was the only constant thing, it was all I knew. It was at that funeral, feeling alone and desperate for my family to be there for me like my dad always said they would be, that I realized that only I could make myself better. And I had to take the first step to save myself, because I had a little boy waiting at home for me to show him love, and give him what I never had... a real family. Speaking out at the funeral, and letting go of the hurt and forgiving my father was the first step. The second step, for me, was to walk away from my family and the toxic way they were choosing to live.

When my mother died, I was going through some hard times, and I was trying (not to hard though) to have a relationship with my sister. I needed money to pay rent, I got it eventually, but I had asked my sister first. Why? One I felt she owed me, because when she was doped up, and living with me, she took off and took the rent money with her, my half and hers, and left me in quite the pickle. She, of course, said it wasn't her fault, she was on drugs... but she also said no to giving me any help. So I wrote her off for the last time. I haven't spoken to her since.

My sister is the middle child. But she and I have a bond that we can't deny, because we are the spitting image of each other. No we're not Identical twins, in fact we're separated by a seven year age gap (she being older) just like my mother and her older sister. That is our bond. We are family, but we aren't. Because family will be there for you, and as my father always said, do anything for you. But they have never once done anything for me, and have always asked of me.

For a long time I gave myself to my family, gave them whatever they needed, and never asked for anything in return. I almost adopted my sister's kids when they were taken from her, when I turned 18, her and my father asked me to file for custody. I was 18! And I almost did it, but I didn't, the more I looked at it the more I realized how impossible it would have been for me to care for them properly let alone put a roof over their heads.

When I used to think of these things, I would shake with the force of the anger that built up in me, but here I am today, talking about it, and my hands are steady, and there is no tension my shoulders, there is no anger, only sorrow and pity for a family who threw away it's youngest member like so much garbage. I know if it wasn't for them, though, I would not be the strong independent woman I am today. I would not be the loving, caring kind mother that I have blossomed into, and I would not be the most loving, devoted wife to the most wonderful man in the world, and that is what I am choosing to remember.

One final note, I am proud of my sister Sue, for chasing away her demons and continuing her battle against her addictions. I hope one day, maybe, we can try to be a family, but she is the only one I would try it with again, she is the only one who deserves more than one second chance.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Las Vegas now has a pro football team...

The Las Vegas Locos and so far so good. i am loving this game. Vegas is in the lead right now 20-14 against the California Redwoods, whose running back is John David Washington, son of the actor Denzel Washington. Sorry Denzel, but my team is kicking your son's team's ass. :D
So now we're in the 4th quarter and my team is still up 3 points and about to get another TD I think. I'm a die hard Cowboys fan, well except the fact that they have Oh-No Romo as their quarterback, the Cowboys are a great team, but I am quickly becoming a Las Vegas Locos fan for life baby! My hats off to our quarterback J.P. Losman he's a lot better than I thought he would be. Can't wait till next week, I will definitely be buying tickets for the whole family to go see the game.
The UFL is starting out fantastically.

Monday, September 14, 2009

RIP Patrick Swayze

Today the world lost one of the last great actors. Patrick Swayze passed away today at the age of 57, in his home in California. The article on Google lays it out for you, but this is my two sense.

Patrick Swayze is and always will be one of the greatest actors of my era. There aren't many out there who come close to him. Considering I was born in 1980, and am a classic movie lover, the golden age of Hollywood boasted the best actors of all time, Mr. Swayze was the best of the best, acting, singing, and dancing, just like old Hollywood.
My thoughts and prayers go out to his wife, Lisa Niemi, and his family today. Rest in peace, Patrick.

Taylor Swift Vs. Beyonce` Video and Kanye West

Seriously, from everything I have read so far about the VMA Awards show and Kanye West's behaviour, what I have to say is just adding my two sense. I love Beyonce`'s Music and Taylor's as well, I have what you would call an eclectic taste in music. But seriously folks, for that jack to get up on stage and upstage a seventeen year old girl who, 1. writes most all of her own music and has since like the age of 12, 2. helped to produce that music video herself, and 3. sings like an angel (my opinion mind you), shows not only how ignorant he really is, but how low his self esteem must be. He needs to not only issue a public apology to Taylor AND Beyonce` for his poor behavior, but to his dearly departed mother who is more than likely turning in her grave as we speak knowing how asinine her son really is to trample on a young girl's big night like that.

Now for the real deal of this blog... the music video's.

Okay so Taylor won for best female music video and Beyonce` won for best video of the year... kudos to both. Here is my issue. So many out there in their blogs are raving about Beyonce`'s "Single Ladies" and I must admit right now that I had not seen either music videos till this very morning (like 20 minutes ago) but I saw nothing special about it. To me it was a very lazily done video. She had a great song, don't get me wrong, but the video, sucked. Maybe I am showing my age... (lol) but in my day, music videos told the story of the song. I like when they do that. Maybe all those horny men looking for teasing porn would like this video (even if they don't admit that they are looking for porn) but in my opinion three leotard clad women in high heels, dancing around a blank stage and slapping their asses, is not a music video.

Taylor's "You Belong with Me" shows the story. You see it from beginning to end, and it touches you (and no not in that pervy way sicko's get your dang heads out of the gutter) and it's romantic. Yes I am the queen of sap, just ask my hubby. Taylor's video not only deserved the win, but also deserved more kudos and respect from those who diss it for being country.

You can agree, or disagree as you like, but if you become foul or rude, or act like Kanye West in any way shape or form, your comment will be deleted. Just fair warning. Love to all out there, Live long and Prosper...(lol) and all that jazz! PEACE!